I ask because I'm really not sure anymore. I haven't blogged in a few months. At first it was because I was busy - it was December, Christmas was fast approaching and with it the typical celebrations and obligatory pre-Christmas catch ups with friends and family. Then it was the new year and all I could think about was our family holiday to New Zealand. We were only going for 6 days but I was taken aback by just how much planning is required when travelling, albeit for a short time, with 2 young children. Since we returned from holiday in mid-January I told myself I was just too busy to blog. My son started 3 year old kindergarten and that has meant adjusting to a new schedule. But the truth of the matter is that my heart and soul have just been too empty to write.
It's something that has been brewing for a long time but has really come to the fore in the last few weeks. Finances mean that I need to find some work. Which isn't really such a bad thing - I would only work doing something that fits round our existing schedule/commitments so my partner would be the one looking after our kids. But preparing to look for work saw me updating my resume and 'linked in' profile and that got me thinking about me and who I am. A couple of people have written recommendations for my work skills on linked in and I just can't see any of myself in their posts. One asked me what I'd like her to cover and I was lost for words. That working Sarah seems so far in the past now. Which would be fine, only I feel like I'm not really kicking goals in my current role as Mum. In the last few weeks I can't push those negative thoughts out of my head - what happens if I am totally stuffing up here? I get so easily frustrated, annoyed - particularly with my son who has been in tantrum central for the past month. He's always been prone to them but they have kicked up a gear recently (something I didn't think possible!) and I try so hard to maintain a calm exterior but inside I'm screaming - why are you doing this? what have I done wrong? That they're accompanied with some hitting and kicking doesn't help. I'm trying to eliminate any nasty preservatives and colours from our diets and I find a wealth of information and techniques to try from the wonderful Janet Lansbury (seriously, if you have young children her blog is so worth a read - I want to print out poster-sized excerpts to put around the house as constant reminders). But despite this the doubts remain.
My mum told me a while ago that my dad had asked her how she thought parenting had changed since I was a child. Mum replied that she thought the biggest difference was that they had 'broken my spirit' rather than working with it. I understand that was common in the 70's and I barely remember a time when I was in trouble or had done the wrong thing. I was extremely compliant. However it left me wondering - am I still without spirit? I do seem to have trouble ever saying no and I crave approval or recognition - which is a bit of a problem when your main job is within the confines of your home. No one ever really tells you that you're doing a good job or that you're on the right track. Sure, the children are fed and clothed but that's not enough for me. I have this overwhelming need to know that I am actually getting it right.
A confidence crisis about my parenting skills and feeling so far from the 'working' version of me has left me feeling more than a little lost and very vulnerable.
In the interests of health and weight loss, I've just paid for a 3 month membership at the gym I used to go to. I have an appointment this afternoon to get a program sorted out and I have told my partner I will go at least 3 times a week. I'm hoping that it is some sort of panacea for my emotional troubles too - it's about time I took some more steps towards my life of peace and gratitude and was a better, happier role model for my children.
Linking up today with Essentially Jess